Stripped down to Gratitude

I think it's funny how this post, and the moments attached to it just happened to be during the month of Thanksgiving. Usually for me, for whatever reason, I find myself struggling to be grateful at Thanksgiving. I think it has something to do with the fact that I've never understood why we continue to celebrate this holiday by making some poor woman slave in a kitchen to provide a meal that really is no different than the others and which will be devoured in 20 minutes.

All the eaters of this meal will proceed to forget all about it, except for everyone complaining all night about how full they feel and how much time it will take to work off the calories. Why do we do this? I still have no answer. I think our ancestors would laugh at our sillyness if they could give some input and say to us...how about doing something that reflects what YOU are grateful for, not what WE were grateful for.

So in that spirit, and after the day I've had, I'd like to offer up my own corn for the feast of gratitude. Where do I start....

Let's start with 3 years ago. Flashback to Brian standing up 8 hours after a major and life changing surgery that would forever alter his back, and walking, pain free for the first time in months. At the time, I was grateful for that surgery. Grateful to have my husband working, functioning, and on the road to "normal". Months and years later I would come to curse that surgery. It has been the bane of my existence for as long as it's been part of our lives because of the long reaching affects a $55,000 surgery has on folks.

Flash forward. I now live in my parents basement, which although nicer and larger than my entire house was, still my parents basement. There are so many reasons for this change but if we wanted to get down to the brass tacks of it, the back surgery would be the biggest tack. Yes, Brian is in a masters program. Yes, we are moving to Kansas in 8 months. Yes, we wanted a new "UT" experience in a different area, with new faces. But the driving factor in this move is the need to be out from under owing ANYONE ANYTHING. In 16 months we will be done paying off a back surgery and we will have paid for a masters program, and a 500 hour yoga certification in cash. Does knowing all the "good reasons" for this move make me feel positive about it? Not until today.

I don't know what changed my outlook, the everyday factors are all the same. My morning looked like this:

7:23am-Shoot the alarm didn't go off...."KIDS!!!"

8:01am-Ahh...they are out the door

8:52am-Hey there's a yoga class at Soda row at 9...I'll ride my bike

......Wait! This is where it started. I got into my yoga clothes, grabbed a bag of carrots and pecans and rode my bike to yoga in the crisp, beautiful fall day. Unless you've been part of my everyday life for the last 6 months, you don't have any idea what that means to me, so here comes the gratitude.

Until 1 month ago I spent every morning of the last 8 months of my life feeling nauseous, dizzy, vertigo, and in mass amounts of pain. With no answers from anyone as to why. A few speculations...gallbladder needs to come out, too much acid....blah blah blah. After a couple thousand dollars worth of tests, the answer was, let's try taking the gallbladder out. Easy for them to say, they don't have to pay for it or go through it! I decided to avoid surgery as long as possible. I began to starve myself because every bite of food I took was a pain I hope to someday forget. Around the time I was down to about 500 calories a day a remarkable woman named D'ana suggested I see her doctor. At this point I had lost a large part of my muscle, eliciting a look of horror from my trainer during body mass testing, accompanied by "what have you done to yourself?!" I was barely finding the energy to shower everyday, much less do anything else like resistance training. Enter my hero.

I'll shorten this up, since it's getting long, honestly it's mostly for me and posterity, but don't let that stop you ;). Dr. Remington had the answers and they didn't have anything to do with surgery. I eat only meat, veggies, whole grains, milk, and cottage cheese. And I am healed. I take Probiotics, and an antigen everyday three times a day, and hopefully in my lifetime I will never experience this again. The problem boiled down to a Candida overgrowth whose bi-products produced a toxin that fried the inside of my large intestine. This all was a big deal for someone who is supposed to be prepping her body for an intensive training program that she will have paid A LOT of money for in January. It's also a big deal for a mommy, who keeps having to tell her kids, not today, mommy hurts too bad.

Today I rode my bike to yoga. Read that again. Then I sweat, and pushed my self to the limits of my breath and posture and found my heels so close to touching the ground at the same time my head brushed my mat in a downward dog. I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this beautiful, strong, soon to be totally healthy body I have a second opportunity to take care of. I have re-built most of the muscle I lost, I have gained ground faster than I could have hoped for. I feel GOOD. I rode my bike to yoga.

I then ran errands, mostly grocery shopping. I went to the sunflower market where I find most of the foods I can eat. Every time I go there it's exciting as I find some new treasure. Last time it was dill dip and grain sweetened cocoa chips. Today it was chicken noodle soup. Not from a can, but the kind in those big vats they keep by the salad bar. I bought all they had. It was delicious. You see, I have been nursing a cold for a week now and the deepest desire of my heart was some chicken noodle soup, but finding a yeast free, sugar/sweetener free, whole grain soup is nigh impossible. When I read and re-read the ingredients I cried. Before you laugh, think about what you eat everyday, and tell me if you wouldn't cry too if you found something that tasted good that fit into this "lifestyle".

As I sat in my car crying, eating my soup and looking at the beautiful day and the trees I realized every little thing has brought me to where I am, and I wouldn't change where I am for anything. I became grateful for Brian's back surgery and all the struggle it's brought us. I am stronger for the struggle. Just to say that again, I am grateful for the struggle. All of it. The back surgery, the job losses, giving up our house, living in a basement, the moments I lay in bed wondering if I would ever eat without pain again and on and on....

I am grateful to be alive and to have my husband who brings me a bouquet of beets in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. I am grateful for my little Jake who for no apparent reason in a very Jake-like way, wrapped his arms around my neck tonight and gave me the fiercest hug I've ever received and wouldn't let go. I could feel his little energy flowing out to say "I love you" in the sweetest way he knows how. I'm grateful for Tyler who always has an arm to put around my waist(or shoulder if he's having an extra tall day) and the way he makes sure I have all my pills and drops by my dinner plate every night and a glass of water to take them with. Because I know that is his most special way of showing me I'm front on his mind when he walks in from playing.

I'm grateful for my parents, who allowed us to clog up their empty nest with noise, dirt, tears, and basic chaos and the love they have shown us. I'm grateful for my in-laws and all they did to raise such a wonderful man, there are no words for how I feel about him.

Most importantly, I'm grateful for a God that loves us enough to make this beautiful world and who loves me enough to keep loving me through all my stupidity and ingratitude. I would like to promise I will never be ungrateful again, but let's not muss it up with a lie.

I will have my moments, but I wanted to write down this moment, so that the record shows, there was a Thanksgiving season that I was filled with gratitude for all I have been given.